I think we all have/or will reach a breaking point at some point within quarantine. Personally as I type this I am spiraling myself. I think its been a time that people all connect at some level with..."its okay not to be okay". Its within that moment though that you yourself have to decide... Tap In or Tap Out.... give it a little tap...just a little tap-tap-taparoo.
Personally I have been such a head case in 2020. It has been an absolute clusterfuck and my trust in people has been wearing thin...honestly at times, I have been totally cool with seeing some of yall finally being on my level. People fucking suck.
It has been a mindset though that I have not had in years. Toxic. Defeating. At first I thought, maybe I am just old so that is why....but its not. I had a moment catching up with a homie back home experiencing some success. I was so stoked for him, gassing him up on some recent work of his and he followed up asking me about myself. I had nothing... but I did. I just felt zero drive to preach about it. Like jumping out of a window with absolutely no parachute... just a shrug.
I read a text later on from him about pressure being the ultimate motivator. When I broke a few years back, it was from the immense amount of pressure I was feeling from around me from others and the need to let it go. To transition the pressure from others to solely myself - selfishness in its purest of forms. The pressure on myself guided me to land on my feet here in LA. To let go of the baggage of false attachments. To know I can do it and to understand the question of, 'what is a limit?'
Recently however I have been feeling it again. I believe it is because of quarantine and its forced personal rehab, as I have mentioned - I am making that a fucking thing. I reevaluated relationships - realizing I was losing myself in romantics while removing myself from platonic and family affairs. Never my partner to blame. I myself was realizing I was regressing back to someone that was an older version me. A version I know that is sustainable but not one that I personally like. I love me some me and again, while some people may be hurt in the process, I am the one that wants to be happy. That doesn't make me sound like a good guy and honestly maybe I am not. Then again, realizing you are not the one for someone and ending it before marriage or kids are involved - that is good, right?
Regardless, in this rediscovering, I admit there is some semblance within that older version that would benefit future me....in moderation.
I am quite aware of my surroundings. This blog thing alone is really just some bullshit attempt at therapy. I have sat down with therapists. I have listened. I believe they help. I do. But I kind of see therapists like this.... If life is about the relationships that you cultivate with yourself and with others, then to note --
I view Fraternities and Sororities as something that helps people build relationships, but I don't think I ever needed to pay for friends. I could always do that myself. But I at least attempted a rush to understand...
So I see therapists as people who can help you understand yourself in relationships...but I think I am quite unfortunately self aware enough to not keep spending money. Even my darkest moments....I know them all too well.
So as I have taken the time to face all the demons that decided to pop back up, I look forward to the evolved version of myself. Some of the rougher edges are being chipped away and I am feeling more like that positively passionate cynic I'd like to exhibit. Will there be continued snags, of course. But I've been as happy as I have ever been with the personal progress I am seeing and just hope the momentum continues.
The Journey Continues.....