NOT Only Fans.

I am quite flattered that you believed I had enough confidence to have an OnlyFans. If you're family and you clicked on this -- I feel like we should address this....or not. Lets not. Trust though I am not off the rails. 

This was not spellchecked, so before we get too far --- you can go back to IG. Questions and venting from a 30+ year old "professional" are about to flow. Some of this may be relatable. Most of this experimental. I don't necessarily have an outlet that I feel like I can get my emotions out and feel as if I am cleansed and/or absolved. Like Catholic Confession but....not tied to religion and more consensual. I use humor to mask things but how can I work through this for growth? 

It's not the gym. People not controlling their weight or hogging multiple machines frustrate me.
It's not a yoga. I sweat like I just ran in a sauna already. Nama-stay super self-conscious.
Go for a run?....or swiftly jog till I roll my ankle because I am made of popcorn. 
Video games.... fun until I get too high that I am talking to the NPCs.
When it is all said and done...I try my hardest to avoid all problems by "working".  Running to work.

Today it caught up to me. I have been called someone who self sabotages while I personally have this feeling of imposter syndrome. I've used both to address issues before I even make matters worse = in relationships both platonic and romantic. NOW if I am already in a vortex of negativity -- It only gets heavier and then I like to accept and embrace it as my own penance. I deserve this universe. 

Honestly, I have been struggling lately with the idea of things working out. Being afraid of things working out has caused me to maybe just bring too much negativity my way... Is that how the universe works? I have scheduled meetings wrong myself. Found myself late to scheduled events. Rather than taking no's as ways to pivot, I have just taken them to heart. All just making me feel like I am taking the L, not even necessarily being interested in seeing individuals at times. 

Don't get me wrong -- work is great. I feel seen and validated. I personally see progress. They embrace the creativity and understand things slip through the cracks. People want to talk about my ideas and in a lot of ways -selfishly- I feel like this where I have always seen myself in this industry. Despite mistakes - respected and admired amongst my piers. So why do I fuck things up? 

I think it all goes back to emotional relapse. Do you think that is a thing? I am sure I can google this but this is essentially my diary that I will probably get my therapist to read like some existential manifesto. 

I have always thrived with pressure. This kind of work. Truly its one of my last "toxically masculine" traits where I want to be "the go-to guy". While professionally I am there -- I still feel like I am keeping my head above water. Every time I come up for air, I see one of the pieces of the boat I fucked up. 

I am at least self aware, or at least it is what I tell myself, that I am just upset life isn't at times the way I planned it out. This is that imposter syndrome -- despite feeling like I am someone, somewhere -- honestly maybe it is the lack of feeling "enough" that kicks in and takes over.

Student loans haven't gone away. Actually you should put more money away. Oh look they just sold another show. All your exes are doing well without you. You know your parents don't care about themselves, right? Where are you uncle bean? Are you actually ready for this meeting? They don't like you mang. Do you think they are even listening? 

As this amplifies, I feel like I just attract more negative shit and then my go-to self sabotaging kicks in. Like that mucinex green blob meeting Mayhem from that Allstate commercial -- just imagine pure chaos fucking up my place. 

People say its because Mercury is in Retrograde. Which I should probably believe since I live in this fucking hippy city. But honestly -- I think I am just really afraid of life.

I have made a lot of confident decisions the last few years that I feel have propelled me to a life that I have always wanted to live. I believe since starting this and rereading some of my emo pieces, I have truly built or #LAHippy, manifested a lot the positives in my scenario. This has all been through the hearts and minds of individuals I have been fortunate to cross paths with along the way. 

I have been trying to retrain my brain to accept that I deserve good things. That even through some shitty moments, growth exists. There is no such thing as toxic positivity, the want for "good" should just never be outweighed by something negative. My Monday has kind of blown and I am honestly stressing putting my own pressure on being "the guy" for my company leading up to next month, all while wanting to be prepared to be the best man my nephew can look up to. I want to be able to catch myself before I spiral but its hard. Most days I know I am that guy for everyone but there have been a lot of days where I have found myself questioning. I know I need to slow down. Focus. Take a deep breath....and embrace that not only are these the things that I have always wanted...But I can do this.....  
..... The journey continues....