I guess I have been looking for some reason to write something. Then again I think I have been looking for some reason to feel something. I was thinking about shit I wanted when I got out here. Was I just painfully and blindly opportunistic and positive? Did I just fuck up decisions along the way? Was there any growth at all? ...Are you the dude you want to be?
I think Covid / Quarantine has brought us or really allowed us, to finally be in this personal rehab where we evaluate everything. Similar to times of death or other traumatic events of course. We live one fucked tweet away from shit going sideways.... are you really where you want to be at the end of the world? Is it about being surrounded by people you want to be around? What are the depths of those people? What are the depths of your feelings for those people? Would you die for them? Is this the, I would throw myself in front of traffic for you because I love you (platonic or romantic)......or because I value life, and on top of that, other's lives type sacrifice.
I think I am to the point of Covid / Quarantine where, fortunately with therapy, I am spiraling out of control in a self-reevaluation of who I want to be or better yet, who I am. To be honest, its some stripping of the ego in some way brought on by a fucking Nietzsche quote....“Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ego.” ... This idea of letting go of ego .. as cliche pillars go - requires surrendering control, especially to your own solitude. Being truly grateful. Being honestly open. And Choosing Love. I have gone through all four of those at this point within quarantine.....
being honest and open with and about my family.
being grateful for even the slightest of opportunities in relation to millions of Americans and individuals around the world who are genuinely struggling.
choosing love.... that I have not yet found. Though that required breaking a heart that I know will get the world from someone right for them.
surrendering control of others emotions, allowing me to truly understand my own in my own solitude....Which I haven't FELT in soo long.
So as I, in my own right, write this down, I can't help but think just what my ego wanted coming to LA and where I ended up....
I felt like I needed to get away from my close friends and family.
-- I can thrive remotely within proximity of them all but I was made to be free and video chatted till we see each other again and pick up like we never left.
I wanted way more money. I figured I would sell a show by now. Be out the gate. Bi-coastal. At least a Mercedes.
-- I got a steady job and an income that pays my bills and allows me to give what I do have left back into communities that keep me believing in others.
I wanted to fuck around LA.
-- I realized I can be in a committed relationship again. Its not me. I can cohabitate with someone. Sex can still crazy and passionate. There are partners that will want to smoke with you at the end of a stressful day... DID NOT KNOW THAT EXISTED!!!
Get people to like you, Network. Whore yourself out.
-- fuck em. Truly. Fuck em all. I have been taking note of individuals telling me about my hair and beard. Its all a fucking mind game social experiment. How long can I truly get away with this before Corporate America tells me I have to shave. Don't get me wrong, I would love a great glow up photo post normalcy but to me I am in an easily excusably forced situation to not care what this shell of a body looks like - mind you, full disclosure I still shave my body hair because lord knows if I do end having sex, I still want to navigate the waters without feeling like a bogged down yeti. BUT Becoming comfortable with that, now within my solitude switching places for a few months, I feel a real awakening.
2021 is something that I can say I am looking forward to. As these last few weeks count down, I find myself in a position similar yet in a way leveled up from when I first arrived. It is this weird synchronistic-universe is weird moment that has me oddly feeling like I am truly understanding who I am. Who I have wanted to be. Who I have been at war to want to see myself as. And despite my monstrous fear of failing - I know I am right where I need to be.
The Journey Continues....