It is a difficult month. I want to celebrate my birthday but I feel like a complete shmuck in doing so. I want to focus but the deluge of questions that flood my mind keep me from honing in. It is a month filled with so much raw emotion that I barely remember the last two years.
Now I can still recite pivotal moments that shaped February 2017. And I assumed February 2018 was going to be hard and immediately forgot most. But in the end, I expected 2019 to be different and well....surprise.
Is it normal for another year? I know this is all on me, again I am self aware. Yet as I say that, I still in the back of my mind question because I feel like I should be over it. Or is that the machismo societal shit that is fed to the masses because emotions should be obsolete. Live. Die. Repeat.
Prior to the start of February, I had been feeling this weird imposter syndrome, I guess that is what it is called. Sup Therapy. I am fortunate to be able to use my head to make shit up for a living. That is also the most crude way to put it and I think that may be a problem. But I need that outlet because of the shit noodling around and at the same time I question if I am just a fraud. I see people busting their ass for work, actual hard labor. Providing for children in sometimes less than ideal living situations...and here I am. I just skyped with a someone who provides services to A-listers. I sent them one email with my song and dance about being a creative exec and how they'd be interesting TV. Had one phone call. One skype.
Now they are good people. They have a phenomenal story. AND they do not only serve a-listers. But all I did was say they would be entertaining while I saw on facebook someone clock in a 14 hour day to go home to their kids.
I am working on completing that portion of the story in my mind.... But THAT is the kind of mind fuckery that lead into February...
When the month finally hit, the flood gates opened....
Is this move worth it? WAS the move in general worth it?
Yes I know my parents are older. They can still take care of themselves..No?
Valentines Day? don't catch feelings. Don't send anything out dude. You're not ready for anything.
Dee.......the boys..... what have you really done?
Birthday...30.... I don't think everyone would get along. No.. You're an adult. Is this really 30?
Oh look they're married...ohhh kids...
WORK - sorry sir, I meant to call you back earlier....
Again - this is not a typical month but coming out of the month, I feel relieved. I woke up this morning with a bit of a kick and excited to get through the work and shit on my list. I am out of that fucking month. It doesn't mean I ignore the questions however because they are all still valid.
I believe heading into March I realized I am not in control of my emotions as much as I think I am. The questions are valid to growth. The fears are justified realizations. Its all on me. Find the balance. Embrace the space.
The universe has provided me opportunities that I have met head and ran from..... I am aware of my flaws and my fears... Stripping away the norms of "I want" and "I need" I am slowly but surely, understanding who "I am". I am a creative executive in California that has dreaded nesting due to my lack of understanding and trust in how people operate, including myself. Through my self-work I have developed a steady foundation of a tribe I am trusting ... but sometimes we all hit a slump. I am excited to be out of February but my excitement for 2019 has still remained at an all-time-high. As Maester Aemon once said, "Kill the boy Jon Snow...."
The Journey Continues...