Picaboo, I Still Don't See You

The cynic in me wants to say that the Universe over the past few weeks has just been building up to tell me not to trust another pretty blonde....But the realist in me states that this was all a definite sign of being ready to nest again. That and I should finally lock down a therapist here in LA because I still need to unpack some remaining insecurities before I pull the trigger on other things.

But lets start here? This is a clickbait title.... This about me.... and a dog. Woof. 

After a week of my pity party, sheltering myself from friends and breaking every possible diet restriction I set for myself as I drowned sorrows in chocolate and meat....I am ready to therapeutically write some feelings and things....

I knew when I found this dog, I was gonna set out to find their actual owners. As I quickly attached myself, I decided that there were now two good outcomes -  I was either going to find their owner or take Pico (Foster Name: Pico-Boo Westwood) for a ride into the sunset to live our best lives. 

In one hand, I wanted Pico to be back with her owners, on the other...I believe I was looking for the accountability. I have spent the last year in isolation, figuring out living on my own, a schedule, lifestyle I enjoy... but it was all on me. 

The last two weeks, I began maneuvering my schedule like a smooth valet, handling each situation with ease as I set it to the side for completion later. The stress of hiding her in and out of my apartment was immense but once we got inside, it became routine. 

I will feed you before I feed myself. You will be comfortable. You will be safe. You will be loved. 

And you could tell it was appreciated and quite possibly, reciprocated. For example: I would work in another room and Pico would lay at my feet like, "You good, hoomang? I'm good. I just want to make sure you're good now".  When I would leave, the separation anxiety was real but there was never a bark! 

After giving her a full makeover, blueberry facial and all, she even acted like she appreciated that, as if she was grateful for the "New Year/New Me/Who Dis"? 

We worked out together, we waltzed on the beach together, we ventured into hikes, we watched what each other ate, Planet Earth and Rick & Morty were our favorites, and we cuddled...... after the professional groom of course because she was smelling like some hot garbage even after I attempted to scrub her. 

Throughout this all, I was still looking for the owners. My only requests to the universe at this point were that if the owners came through, they were good people and they were upset that she was gone, not to leave out that MAYBE they attempted to look for her. The universe did not disappoint. The family that finally reached out not only sent me photos to prove it but they sent photos of the flyers. Even showing up with children, excited to see Mimi (real name) and she excited to see them. Signed. Sealed. And Delivered. 

*To note* -  I did tell them that I was planning on keeping her and that if she disappears again and I find her, I may very well be taking her for the long haul. 

I was hit with a wave of emotions though.  I cried, I won't lie.  I cried talking to her beforehand and I on my drive back. I then proceeded to get extremely high and break all of my dietary restrictions while listening to our Pico-Boo playlist.

THAT really happened..... Seriously, I was high as kite, depressed-watching Coco while eating a delicious grilled chicken and spinach wrap I made with a generous side of almond joys.....hmm writing this makes me feel way sadder that I put in effort. Anyway.

It was a mix of heartbreak but also life realizations.... 

I realized I really am ready to nest again. It feels good. To quote Game of  Thrones - "Kill the boy Jon Snow, and let the man be born."  - Mind you in the books, he's like 18 and doing this so I feel immature saying that. 

I believe I am in the right scenario that allows me time to find my cornerstone. California is truly where I want to establish roots. I go back to thinking about my engagement, the home we previously built, the life that many presumed to ensue....and the lie that we ultimately were telling ourselves. 

But I am not comparing my ex to a dog. I will compare my life scenarios like alternate universes. California has provided me more than New York could ever offer, especially in grounding, but honestly the most recent being an opportunity here was to let someone or something else back in to partake in my life. 

This dog was seasoned. This dog was a little on the unhealthy side. And we had to work together non-verbally of course because not only was she a dog, she was a dog that spoke Spanish. It was a glimpse though into knowing that there is true progression to being the best possible version of myself and as my 2019 begins, the universe is telling me to slow it down and really hone back in on this idea of nesting and the life requirements needed for the next step... I'm ready, its just organic. 

The Journey Continues...