As I type this.....I am sitting on the porch of one of my best friend's new houses. I am overlooking my hometown, sun is beaming through the trees, I am listening to the morning birds chirp, smoking a bowl, and drinking a delicious cup of coffee.
I despise people. I see you all. I watch your social media personas change from pushing pyramid schemes and live workouts to wanting prayer warriors...to bitching about your significant other yet to fighting for a cause you feel passionate about. But some of you I know. I really know. I know you cheated on your wife. I know you stole thousands of dollars. I know you say the N word free flowingly. I think I don't trust people because I feel like I know people. And I know people are inherently terrible.
So I can't help but translate that into my own life....I crack the joke at being a decent human because I genuinely feel just that, I am decent. I'll play friend. I will listen to you vent. But I do that with people daily so I have perfected the art of checking out. I am not listening to you. Decent human.
I'll play boyfriend. I'll be faithful. But despite being happy, I can't just tell you I don't love you. Decent human.
I'll be cool. I'll talk about "Hollyweird" and all the pretty things. But I don't care to know anything about your life. Decent human.
I have been trying to figure out why I have such a one track mind. Am I just a prick? Do I have ADHD ? Probably in some facet yes.... but is that why I can't focus on your conversation? Or care to know more? Or was it because I just spent 8 hours of my day hearing other people's exaggerated stories of their minute lives....I say I love my family and I miss them but when I was in LA, how often did I hit family zooms? Decent human.
I feel like I have found a balance of being near and just in my family's life with being even a slight help seeing a ripple. I don't want my family to be excited their brother, son, uncle is home. I just want them to be content. To feel like some help is on the way. To know they can selfishly, in a good way, live their lives. The world is exhausting already. When I am away, I don't talk as much but I listen. I hear the things that are wrong. My sisters don't need advice, they just want a family member to listen and say they are doing the right thing. And when I was on the east coast I unfortunately lost that sense while being in a relationship. I'd think - alright this relationship will be the one that I make a different family with because I learned what not to do. They can do their thing on their own. However when my sister died, I would immediately be there. Too Distant when away and not close enough when shit goes down.
This time weighs differently on individuals. My stay, what seemed to be two weeks, has increased. Not in some savior complex way. Not in some destitute way. But can I just say, the 'right' way?
I think this is what I needed. I think what rooted trauma from my life making me still feel empty is here. Like leaving the city to fight the clown back home, IT style.
If shit goes down....I am terrified of being too far from my family. Not by distance. But by voice.
The ending scene of Infinity War sees Thanos walking out of a cave to balance. After snapping his fingers he wiped out half of the population. He restored balance to an entire world immediately. Despite that opportunity costing what he loved the most (SPOILER ALERT: He killed the daughter he loved). Decent human.
I reference the above about people being terrible. Because I was raised by my two sisters and television, I view the world as Chaplin once said,
"Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost…."
How could you not, right? I fell into this a few years ago when I was having my initial existential crisis trying to establish who the fuck I am.
So yeah, if I had the opportunity to snap. To make it better. To know that future generations wouldn't have to go through things that do not truly benefit humanity & life, then I would. Opportunity costs. Decent human.
Society today needs civil unrest. We need to have the conversations. Voices STILL need to be heard. Shit needs to hit the fan. But lets be honest, this is a lot of systemic racism and oppression that has gone on for generations. We can't just SNAP but we can have moments that get the ball rolling. So as we see the world in a tipping point that is bringing bad people to the forefront, I would like to be around my family. Within this I realize I can't love anyone else until I understand how to love all of them first. If shit needs to go down so that my niece and nephews can be good humans. I am in favor. I just want to get back to knowing each other in the best light.
As I sit on this porch, indeed a little high. I can't help but smile. The things needed to enact change are happening. NOT senseless killings and oppression. This unfortunately has never gone away. But voices are being heard. Movements are being truly made. And within chaos, there is beauty.
So while the world burns, I am talking to my father again. My parents talk about taking steps at being better. My sisters get a little help to live their lives. My niece gets to be pissed at someone new in-person on a weekly basis. And my nephews get to have decent dude around to talk about the world with. My snap has happened. Now I just hope I don't to get my fucking head cut off by a bunch of people that want the same thing but "quicker" in their eyes.
The journey continues....