Life is strange. The routine isn't the same. My question to the universe still revolves around that ever alluding three letter word that people typically say when something happens, "Why."
I left everything I know behind on the east coast. A one-way ticket to LAX from JFK after spending the last few months packing up and putting away a life I lived for five years. 29 years if you count just living on the east coast. I, however, was overcome with true loneliness for the first time when I closed the door to my empty apartment. If I close my eyes, I can see every piece still neatly placed. The laughter. The excitement. The memories. But the chapter ended abruptly. Way before I ever thought or wanted it to. Its unfortunate. The whole fucking year has been unfortunate....and I left.
In one hand, yes - I absolutely feel as if I am running away from my problems. It is sobering to say it. Sobering to write it. But I will own it.
Mentally, I needed an escape.
Physically, I need a release.
Emotionally, I need a break.
Spiritually, I needed hope.
These are all things I needed to do for myself. To be a better me, for me. I keep telling myself I am writing this so I can continue to tell myself that for some validation. I'll probably keep doing this now throughout and break whatever writer's wall this is and use my inner monologue to talk to myself in the paragraph.
But I felt like I was losing myself and not in the best way. I am ridiculously insecure now when I was once a bit cocky, probably too cocky. I still feel this comparison to people and its infuriating. I used to be quite the positive figure as well and now I can't help but have a struggle with a rush of negativity. I think though that this was my first lesson - in that I needed both sides of the coin in my life but like a good blunt and a burger combo, all in moderation.
My time in LA, though only a few days in, has provided me with a bit of an awakening. As the cool kids say, woke. I know when it comes to work, I need to play the game here in LA more than I ever did in NYC. I am however more than prepared for that. Professionally, I have a lot of momentum coming from my corner. When it comes to life Personally, I feel the momentum building deep inside. The people I have surrounded myself with off the cuff have definitely given me a foundation of trust, which in a new land - is needed. The vibe is slower than ever and with the weather, it is just asking me to get out there. Finally, I am fortunate to have implanted myself in additional work here that has given me an opportunity to immediately do something for someone else. With no need or want for anything to be reciprocated. Just pure appreciation for another human life and doing something, even ever so small, that can be significant in another's day - even if for a fucking second. Life should be played at this pace. This pace of stopping and appreciating those around you not THINGS around you. There is something here, in that feeling, that I know I want in whatever I leave behind. I just need to trust the process. Until then...the journey continues...