Love & Marriage....Shit.

this was gonna be dirty but I think my mom reads these
........ 
Your wife must absolutely adore you.... 

It felt like a dropkick to my dick and heart all at once. You see I’m casting a pregnancy show, a lot of them couples...about to create a life they made together. A year ago I, despite being in a downward spiral, was in that relationship... at times. Living together. Cooking together. Routines together. Constant laughter - I can be funny as shit. 

I was fucked in the head too.... which would explain why I now fast forward to that one piercing sentence. 

And I’ll say it again 

Your wife must absolutely adore you.... 

You do think about what you miss from relationships, especially when you were at one point thinking you were gonna spend the rest of your life with them and eventually start a family.

Now as the phases of a breakup pass, life begins to give clarity as to what matters the most..yourself. But I admit that you do find yourself falling back into the idea of missing something. 

So as this couple passes their remark, the husband sneaks in a kiss to his wife. It was probably some machismo checkmate as if to claim his territory but in that moment, I was him. 

I missed that. I missed that moment of a simple action between two people madly in love with each other. She smiled this shit eating grin and kissed him back. Eyes locked right up until that moment you’re imagining now...and then closed. 

Now I STRESS this IS NOT some desperate call to get wife’d up. I’m smarter than that. I’m not looking for love. I literally got rid of hook up apps around Valentine’s Day JUST to avoid crazy people with Cosby-esq Cupid pills. Don't me wrong, I am enjoying Los Angeles in all of its glory...BUT I love me some me first. 

Back to it: I admit I do miss saying good-morning next to someone. Making breakfast together. Laying on each other mindlessly watching Netflix. Holding hands in the car. And spooning, not even with heavy petting.

You can get this stuff anywhere. But to actually truly FEEL it with someone. When you’ve had a taste, you can tell when couples have it too. I could tell this couple had it. And I could tell when I no longer had it. 

That was hard to admit at first until I realized that the understanding of a beauty I couldn’t keep is one of the biggest driving forces as to why I need to work on myself in the first place. I was terribly insecure. I never want to feel that way again. To know you are with someone you deserve because you are the best you, sounds like one of life's most beautiful achievements.. Next to creating someone to be a better version of yourself WITH that person you deserve. 

You feel as if you can take on the world. Accomplish any goal. Tackle any obstacle. Leave this plain of existence far better than when you came into it and with an individual who's path lead them down a similar road. 

It sounds like bliss doesn’t it not? And a lot of us don’t have it and unfortunately will never have it. That is why I believe it comes down to this....you. That is why I believe you are what matters the most in life. 
It is when we truly find out who we are that the universe will allow us to find our kind of weird. 
​
The journey continues.....