If you clicked the self indulgent link - the immediate disclaimer is: This is a journal. My version of OnlyFans....Except the only thing I am opening.... are my feelings. I imagine if you're here, I have connected with you in some capacity so hopefully by this point - you hear my voice in your head. That oddly high-pitched raspy voice that struggles with a slight "SH/CH" speech impediment and can fit the "F" word into a variety of conversations.
If we've never met - take your time. Look around. If you't can't relate, no stress. In a nutshell - I'll save you the elevator pitch. But this one specifically may get dark.
With the end of my run in LA coming next week, I am ready to take the biggest of breaths and hit the road back east. This next chapter of my life is one that I should have started earlier. Family. Not going out and knocking someone up and having one of my own but being actually present to the those that are here now.
The version of 35 year old me in my head (35 in a few months) retired his entire family so they could do all the cool things he saw in movies growing up. Zanie family vacations. Big city trips. Surprise car gifts. Destination Weddings. Now combine that with my biggest toxic trait....which is that I feel like I have never accomplished a thing. I minimize accomplishments daily and deflect praise to anyone and their dog. I have attempted to chase this movie version of the white picket fence, leaving everyone I know, twice, and sacrificing relationships along the way - both platonic and romantic..... Ultimately however, never accomplishing any of the above that I initially set out for.
Therapy fortunately allowed me to uncover the roots of my daddy issues and ultimately highlighted this incessant fight to prove I am worthy and the "man" that can lead the family. Course correct if you will after my own father's "rolling stone" behavior. All I wanted in my mind was to basically come back rich and hear my father say "You did it Bub". Then we all get to become a family again. Course correcting a decade plus old implosion of a family.
However after working through it in my mind and navigating amends with my father - As I began to feel like there was a hint of hope... He died. A year ago tomorrow.
Right before he died I was truly coming to terms that he was less this opposing force in my life and more a muse. He was the reason I excelled in sports growing up. The reason I picked my college. My major. I quit sports. I did comedy. I left my small town for Manhattan to try and "make a name." The reason I felt comfortable to leave everyone again for Los Angeles. The reason I would fight for my work. For people. Again - all I wanted to do in the end was tell him - "These were all things you taught me in the end. I did it for us. Let's be family again." Then we'd all ride off into the sunset. Not on horses or any type of animal because lord knows my family would hate that. It would probably be a minivan.
But I digress...
If you have ever seen Ted Lasso - there is a moment with Jamie Tartt that best describes my insides....When he explains that his soul is like an impotent man. Impotence in his soul.
Nothing has given me a drive.
I believe maybe because within this last year, I haven't take time to actually grieve. Because of that, a ticking time bomb has been created in my soul. I thought maybe fully throwing myself into work would help be some "manly" motivation. Took on clients. Launched a little event series. Took the lead on more network projects, developed team relationships and managed individuals. But alas.... it has just made things harder. People ask for my advice on personal levels, relationships... Genuine in responses, individuals listen to my input all the while not knowing I am still trying to process my own emotions in triggering situations. Most evenings after work, I talk outloud on my drive hoping someone in another realm is listening. Take my dog for a walk, listen to a voicemail from my dad a couple times an hour then I fall asleep hoping for some weird dream that I can feel like I was able to be in the same room with him again. That is if I am not feeling like suppressing emotions by losing myself in some bullshit work. I am fucked up.
I've realized over the course of the year, reality tv and these executives issues are fucking nothing. The familiar faces of family and the sound of their voices just may really be what I need. I can do the whole city thing but I am an emo fucking dude. To me, the "want" I want to feel is familial. I can be the point person professionally but what I am lacking is....the purpose on a personal level. Maybe some people fall into this with dependent romantic relationships. They trauma bond and become each other's anchors....(toxic). Meanwhile....
My psychoanalysis of it all is that what really would make me happy... complete... what I am missing the most.... Having a board game night with my sisters and their significant others. Taking my mother out on a date. Supporting my niece at a play. Celebrating a holiday with my nephews. Waking up and knowing I am not far to contribute to the family.
I wish now I would have stayed home after realizing remote work is real over the pandemic but I thought I still had something to prove here in LA to my father. I know I will always regret not taking more time. I have accepted that. And while my regret makes me sad, maybe this chapter now will fill that course correction. Though through tragedy. Family together.
So off I go back east. On a road trip that was previously promised to my father. With the belief that the love I really wanted was never that far away. With the hope that this new chapter with family will fill a hole that I have felt for a year. And the thought that my father would be happy that we are all closer together. I just wish I would have done this sooner.
.....The journey continues.