May 22nd, 2020 - its 11pm and I am laying on my friends bathroom floor rifling through life events in my head. Sounds crazy, I know, but stay with me on this one... it was quite therapeutic.
At the time, it was 888 days since I left the East Coast to head to LA. Now, on this day, I found myself back east visiting family and reliving the last 3 years in a fiery ball of what the shit. The missed opportunities. The missed family. The one that got away. What the fuck have you been doing homie? How did you NOT see that as a good opportunity? Why the shit did you NOT reach out to your family as much? Why didn't you just tell her how you felt?
As I found myself questioning anything and everything, I slowed it and broke it down. You see a therapist would probably relate this all back to childhood trauma and my ability or inability to form relationships because of it. I grew up entertaining myself truly. My siblings were all much older and parented me like single parents more than be actual "siblings". They'd take me for food, introduce me to their dates, tell me to clean up, give me teaching moments and hold me when watching cartoons and scary movies. My parents were statue parents - present but useless. It was my siblings who parented me. I was literally a prop baby doll for majority of my childhood. So when they would start relationships, and well lives in general like college or adulthood, they would just up and leave. Easy. My parents already checked out on the 4th kid long before.
So as I lay on the floor, I looked back at my ability to form relationships both platonic and romantic. Majority of the things I write about here center around these things because as humans, this is all we have. While not necessarily set as monogamous creatures, we are social beings...and I am the life of the god damn party...when I want to be.
You know why you didn't go with that opportunity - you were too stuck in the vibe of the other. You know why you didn't reach out to your family as much - you liked the `attention in the immediate. You know why you never told her how you felt - you are too afraid to fuck up the one friendship you felt was real.
The universe is weird and this was a breakthrough. So yes, despite being quite high off my ass on medical grade marijuana, I was having this moment on a nice cold bathroom floor while my friend blasted music in his living room at 11pm. A recent coworker even said this is how those weird self exploration comedies work - city dude gets stuck back home in his country town and relearns what made him, him.
I ran away from the east coast in this hope of finding myself and I believe in that time, 888 days since I left, I figured it out....finally? Despite telling myself I did long before. I am selfish in all forms of relationships and despite selfishness being a good thing (YOU NEED IT) - I denied myself the best part of selfishness, the parts from others you use to build yourself, especially your foundation.
Being grateful for what my sisters provided me, I am doing what they did for me but for my niece and nephews - seeing their love without needing to be a "sibling" but an uncle, a figure that hopefully leads in some example. Seeing my lack of and in my parents, giving to them some sense of motivation and stability that my sisters provided me in hopes that they themselves can get better while understanding - I am okay without them. Have I said anything yet to the one that got away, no I haven't. But they are happy and honestly that makes me happy because throughout this all, one of the toughest lessons I believe I needed to learn is that what you should want out of a relationship no matter romantic or platonic, is that the ones you bring into your life, let their happiness lift you up and inspire - no matter what.
They say when you see 888 - it has various meanings. I for one think when I see triple digits, I always believe it is some message. 777 is actually my lucky #s if you're reading this and wanting to know more bullshit. But I was curious about how long it had been since I left that I came to these conclusions and breakthrough. So from December 16th 2017 to May 22nd, 2020 - it was 888 days. Shit.... So when I looked it up, I saw a few meanings with one of these providing the case for all...
- You Have Knowledge & Wisdom To Share
- You Receive Only What You Are Ready To Receive
- You Have An Abundance Mindset That Attracts Opportunities To You
- You Are In The Flow Of True Abundance
Fuck..... Okay Universe, I hear you. So as I finished the rabbit hole, I came across the line that "you are the artists in your life so be intentional in the life you want to create." I do unfortunately forget these things sometimes.
So 888 days from May 22nd, 2020 - October 27th, 2022. I will be 33 and curious as to what the Universe has to offer. All I can say is that I am grateful and appreciative to what the Universe has already provided.
The Journey Continues ....