So I walk into one of my favorite little coffee shops here in Hollywood, home to a barista that graciously shot me down a few months back. Mind you, my coworker wing-woman assisted her ass off so much that even Steve Nash would be impressed. The vibe was a thought...but the lack of interest and/or my douchey - "if you ever want to grab a bite to eat sometime" while sliding my card over - killed it. I can admit the card thing was NOT a norm and felt like trash.
Anyhoo, as I approach the counter I see a sign that says "Please don't talk about GoT, ***Name*** has yet to watch the premier." I uncork my normal awkward morning thrones joke and she cracks this smile and goes into her love of Game of Thrones. We've ignored the past rejection. No point in bringing it up. It is a work scenario and we are adults, right? But I am a sucker for a side smile and lip bite and well... throw in the fact that she just nerded out over Game of Thrones and well....
I love you.
I like the feeling though... I love "love" - as I steal the line from my sister. The last few months have definitely shaken up some dormant feelings. While the escape from Hollywood has helped me distance myself from the allure and see what I need to do creatively to feel full, it has also given me this urge for companionship. The urge has awakened something within the universe so much so that I am fielding more requests to talk people through their own relationships while not being able to fucking function within my own romantic endeavors.
Friends are talking to me about their partners, their married partners, as they walk away from engagements, and as they just dwindle down the roster of "people they see" so they can try and focus on something long-term with one person and end it with others.
To add to that, I recently had a conversation geared towards talking about me specifically... and my honesty was a bit harsh to hear I believe. The lead in comment was "Pete, you know what you want with work, you're gonna do it"
STILL something work related..... but I unfolded the answer like ripping apart a beautiful origami swan.
..... I do know what I want. I know what I want romantically. I know what I need to do professionally. I know how to navigate things platonically. I understand and respect what goes into all aspects however ultimately...it comes down to if I want to put forth the effort. Its not on anyone. Do I really want to do this for work? Do I really want to tell them how I feel? Should I exert the energy needed for this friend? Sometimes...a lot of the times... I say fuck em.
While it is getting harder to differentiate my SELFishness at times, it is becoming clearer on a settling of nesting and companionship. As I talk friends through their relationships, I continue to gravitate towards connecting on the 4 als... Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical.
Everyone that I happen to "see" in some romantic sense encompasses one or more of the traits but not all... I have even come across some platonically that I feel exhibit all four, but that brings me into my own cockblock of.. they got all four but am I ready. Do I jump? Reel it in homie, just a friend, just an acquaintance.
Through friends, their feelings towards their respective relationships become clearer as I go through those core four. The ones that are married or in healthier relationships, immediately can pick up on qualities of the four. The guys going through divorce unfortunately, stumble within the emotional/spiritual department. The breaking down and building up externally of a relationship. That is how I view emotion and spirituality. The "being able to wear your heart on your sleeve with belief and conviction."
I honestly don't know where I am ending with this.... I felt the need to get something out into the universe about this topic because it has been weighing on my mind. With each piece of advice to a relationship, I feel this kick inside. Maybe it is Game of Thrones - my own dating profile even states - NOT trying to teach someone what Game of Thrones is about.
My last few articles have been a mix of weird self depreciating humor with moments of weakness but I do feel enlightened. I am aware of the needs and necessities more than ever, for myself and for future partners. I appreciate giving advice because I know what it is like to ultimately walk away from something many others would have been able to stomach, stifle, and push forward because societally among their circle - it looked like a "norm". The moment is coming. Who, I do not know. All-in-All....
The Journey Continues.....