I'm not THAT guy.

Your ex-boyfriend would never doing something like that in public... But I'm not THAT guy. 
That guy you use to see doesn't want to talk about your feelings... But I'm not THAT guy. 
Your ex-fiancé wasn't as into carpool karaoke... But I'm not THAT guy. 
Your ex-husband didn't like pillow talk... But I'm not THAT guy.

I scour the room for my pants. I wanted to be out of here an hour ago. For the love of Christ, please stay asleep. Where the fuck is my shirt. When I finally think I am good to go - my guilt kicks in....at least kiss her goodbye, dude. I aim for the forehead and go to dip when she grabs my arm. 

"You really were going to leave before I woke up?" 

.....fuck. 

The evening was fun. We've known each other for a few years now. We are two single adults that are friends. The occasional hang out, maybe some drinks. We'd talk life, work, and terrible dating in LA while cracking jokes about hooking up. If it happens it happens. Still friends.

I am realizing friends hooking up can be an absolute crapshoot, no matter how transparent I happen to be. But it does work out sometimes. 

We finish a tryst and awkwardly lay tangled in bed. Conversation was comfortable and a dialogue of ex-loves began. We've had these talks before. I am not emotionally unavailable, I am emotionally selective. I believe in being an open book but admit that with a partner there is a level of emotional selection that you connect and open up on. 

As she journeyed down memory lane, she referenced how her ex husband hated pillow talk after sex and at times it would feel like a Westminster dog show judging. But when her husband would put his arms around her to sleep, she never felt safer. The conversation continued to freely flow and she asked about stories of my own...

"I do love love" I tell her. I tell of when I lived in New Jersey with my ex-fiancé. I loved my apartment in New Jersey. On nights I couldn't sleep, I would play xbox with friends from back home late into the evening. My ex would sleep on the couch till I finished and at the end, I would pick up all 6feet of her, splayed across my arms like a weird human blanket, and carry her back to our room. One of the most beautiful sounds I would ever hear would be this sigh I would get when I would pick her up and lay her down into bed as if she knew all my attention was finally on her for the evening.... 

As I tell the story from my past, I feel her hand and fingers dance up and down my arm. I know what is happening. I know the thoughts going through her head.

I crack a joke at the end and tell her that I know how to stop talking about exes... she looks at me attempting to imitate my weird eyebrow twitch. I wink.

As the ruffled sheets begin to smoothen out, she asks me to spoon and pulls my arms tightly around her.  
I try to generically whisper "I'll try to leave before you wake"
-- To which she responds quickly with a laugh, "I don't think so..."

I had to leave in the morning. It is what I do. This is the real emotional portion I am selective with. I know what happens and it really has to do more with me. I am programmed to enjoy mornings with a significant other. I spent 6 years waking up with someone, making coffee in the am. Bringing breakfast into bed. I am a huge diner coffee fan. Have you ever actually started your morning off like that? Its borderline euphoric. 

But I reference the nights I couldn't sleep and don't say why. I don't mention that when I would lay my head down, my mind would war with who my significant other may be talking to or leaving me for next. I don't tell people the exact moment I realized I lost her and the years I spent thinking shit would be right. My insecurities. I don't reference the text messages I would see from her mother about the "pathetic engagement ring" or next rich good looking dude she'd suggest her daughter to go out with. I don't bring up my spiral that would lead to infidelities. 

I'm not hiding anything now, If asked directly, I answer respectfully. I feel like this is that level of emotional selection however. Maybe in my delusional way of dating, I think I will just know. I will just know when it is the right time, right person, right moment, to divulge shit like this. I think it is beneficial to not only an individuals growth but the growth of a relationship. We don't need to know each other's rosters but understanding what got you to where you are, owning it, and accepting another's journey is what we all deserve, right? And not everyone is necessarily deserving of your truth.

I look forward to an evening of being vulnerable about my insecurities and past with a significant other, and just like how all exes have a past, telling that future prospect...I'm not THAT guy. 

The journey continues...