Full transparency - I was engaged. Almost 6 years of a relationship with 3 of them involving a ring. Life previously was looked at as a different plan. But things didn't work out and it was the best decision for both of us, especially, selfishly - myself. We were mentally and emotionally young, rookies in the dating world, and I am/was insecure as fuck. We came from a country bumpkin town where friends are married to their high school sweethearts and pregnant at 18. Relationships are more status based or forced by a father's shotgun. Divorce and infidelity is also rampant but I will digress. Its an annoying pressure to keep up with the joneses rather than just be happy with your misses/mister. Now I would never say I regret an entire relationship but there were moments for sure, especially as I navigate LA solo dolo.
My own existential crisis came to a screeching realization in 2017 because it had me questioning all relationships both platonic and romantic. My ex happened to be the biggest casualty of them all and when I ventured to LA, I admit, I was fleeing. I can actually still vividly remember the evening that I ended my engagement. I was emotionless. Seated on our bed, post argument, and I uttered just a cheap sentence that we/I can't do this anymore. But we weren't good people to each other and it was the right thing to do, especially if you want what is best for all.
- Solitude to sort it out, dude. -
I came out to LA on this journey of self discovery. Who am I? What am doing here? What do I want? What is my purpose? At 28, I was a product of a dysfunctional environment. This friend is married, I should be too. My dad said this, I should do that too. NONE of it ultimately making ME happy and people could definitely see it. If I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone, even have a friend in the picture for the rest of my life, I have to make sure I am giving the best me possible. And it should be reciprocated. Individuals not on the same path per say but ones that are adjacent, building each other up, and aiming to cross life's finish line (death) together.
- Immediate lesson learned, "Selfishness can be selfless too". -
As I made my way around LA, I made it a point to gravitate towards positive people. I found organizations doing charitable work and volunteered some time. I worked my way around the streets and hills of Hollywood striking up random conversations with strangers and business owners both foreign and domestic. Even "dating", I dove head first into apps and set out on random dates just to see the scene. I'm not looking for anything romantic right now or even sexual for that matter, but I won't lie - if a solid make out session or hook up was/is in play, I'm down. I am still a. very sexual being and one thing I do enjoy other than a healthy meta universe based conversation is some heavy petting.
New York was a city of hustle and I appreciate every lesson learned, however it just seemed like majority of my circle, personal and professional, had been bringing in some heavy negativity, chaos, and disruption - and it WASN'T the greater good. I say majority because I still have a handful of friends I cherish, keep in touch with, and whom I genuinely miss... but the environment was not conducive to my own personal growth, so again, SELFISHNESS it is. Lets just be honest, despite its absolute wonder and beauty, the universe alone is chaotic enough, so I don't want that on my team day in & day out. My ride or dies understand that.
I sold my soul to LA for a giant life experiment and I would be lying to you if I said it has ONLY been golden. I have had my moments of weakness, I have been lonely, I have been on the cusp of mental breakdowns. I have still even lost friends out here, especially as I have begun to embrace personal growth. This is because as I have grown, still 5'7, but as I have grown mentally & emotionally, I realized I don't have time to deal with or argue over stupid shit. I am on a mission, as cliche as it sounds, and life is honestly short. So if you're not with the game plan or you view me as less than an equal, I have no problem cutting you out.
So when it came to a recent offer to leave Los Angeles and head to Vegas for work, I was ready to pack up and head to the next opportunity. As I was going through the negotiation process however, one of the companies here in LA that were fortunately interested in me said something that struck me as a little note from the universe.....
"You've made this move. You're 6 months in and you have an opportunity here to really root yourself in a city you've told me you've wanted to be in since you were little....why flee from opportunity?"
I mediated. I wrote. I walked. I went into deep thought. I asked the universe just to continue to give me some signs because like relationships, I am still learning how to read. So as things aligned I realized I couldn't leave. I realized I wanted to commit. My last 6 months were honestly like an engagement and the universe presented me with this opportunity again with the question - You want to commit this time or no?
Unlike my last engagement, LA has fortunately given me hope for a future. I am so grateful here to have gravitated towards some of the most benevolent and positive people I have ever been around. Ideas feel like they can come to fruition. Life feels fruitful even on dark day. When issues arise, people are automatically looking for positive solutions rather than beating around some negative force at will. I have never felt more in-tune with WHATEVER the universe is trying to do because for the first time, I feel as if we're connecting on a similar wave length. This esoteric bullshit I am sure already has you rolling your eyes but its cool, I am almost done.
I can remember as a sophomore in high school asking my parents to buy me a pair of Adidas that had the Los Angeles cityscape on them. They were baby blue and yellow. I wore them into the ground and when people would ask why I wanted them, I would tell them I was going to live there someday. I've had an infatuation with LA for over a decade and now I can officially say that I am in love with this city. I wake up every morning to work out and head to my favorite coffee shop with a smile. The first thing I do when I leave my apartment is look up and thank "God or the Universe...whoever you are that is listening.. Thank you for today.". I feel more in touch with my family than ever before. I have been more vocal and transparent with relationships. I obviously came here lost but am grateful that the city has helped me find a bit of a way. I've learned more and more to just trust the process, trust the universe.
The journey continues...