There is some shit going on in hippy astrology. At least that is what my Chani app tells me. Or maybe its because it is the first day of spring and with change comes a good wash, especially here in LA. To be honest...I wake up struggling whether or not I want to workout to see abs again or pull the dog closer to me for a few more hours till my first zoom. Before that, I go to bed with the anxiety that my decision to play late night video games with some of my best friends somehow prohibited me from advancing in my career. Then during the day, it is mostly concern that fills my mind over an inability to woo network execs into buying one of my shows. That alone makes me feel like the clock ticks faster to the end of my contract... despite being able to finally create with and around other creatives that I actually like and wish I was in an office with. To continue being honest: Since my dad died, I've been on autopilot. Except I feel every fucking wave of self doubt and loathing. Timeout..Why hasn't that been a depressing parody of Fear & Loathing? Self Doubt & Loathing in Los Angeles? Now... tie in the world going to shit. Personally I pick aliens. Oddly - I really hope that one of my friends is an undercover alien and that they have been dying to tell me but can't because they know I would just be too excited. But I digress... I have to admit that I do see some positive strides. Like seeing slips of sun through the clouds. I used to see clear skies. I think most of us did at one point. Unless you were born blind then I apologize. I mean if you were blind and reading this journal via Braille you had me at hello. I love you. But here I go again... "It's a New Moon. It's a new beginning. It's time to plant seeds for your future growth and listen to what is emerging within." - Chani App Before this.... I would say that's nice and that it is still all bullshit. However, I am trying to see more sun and lean into the positives. Writing on this site is a perfect example - I have a fear of individuals I know reading this and cringing. Which is completely okay. I get it homie. The additionally cringe-worthy thought is that for every one of you that do not get something out of this - whether about me or yourself, there will be someone that can actually relate...because none of this shit is new. Meaning the emotions and feelings. We all go through these. Back to it: So I am leaning in a little more. Writing this alone is a step in the right direction after the blur of these last few months. Seriously...I have nine drafts varying at different stages I stopped at. None of them completed because of this overwhelming funk. Yet to me writing this is really therapeutic, so why stop? Typically I sit down after a brainstorming walk with my dog and just go cold into typing. Sometimes a little stoned with my pen. But with these last nine drafts I just stopped after mostly feeling angry with myself and crying. Normally finishing it in the end after the tears but the last nine got me.... not 10. Now here I am. Vomiting about my attempt to be more positive in the world and looking at the glass a bit more than half full. All in the hopes that putting it in writing attracts some additional positivity in this weird universe. So let me restart.... Sometimes it is hard for me to go to the gym in the morning because I am just so comfortable catching a few extra Zs with my dog. I am only tired because last night a few of my friends and I jumped online, talked about our day, and played a few games. But I had to share some weird stuff about my day because the universe gifted me an opportunity to create a legacy with people I enjoy being around. That makes me smile. Life can suck so much. The world is burning. We are on the cusp of WWIII, a new fungal pandemic is on the rise, and a recession is imminent. I am happy you're here today though and I really appreciate you taking the time to try and get inside my fucked up mind a little. Before you go, all I ask is this. How can we make something better together? No matter how small the W may be. - Also don't be an asshole. I am not talking about making my journal better together. I mean the world. :) Ps. If you are an alien friend. Just so you know. I'd keep that a secret. Text me my safe word: Oklahoma. .....The Journey Continues. I am happy you're here with me.
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