This Bitter Earth...

Over the past few days, I decided to rewatch the movies Arrival and Shutter Island. I was pleasantly surprised to hear this song in both. I felt the need then to look it up on Youtube - turns out it was uploaded on my birthday....So Universe...I am listening.... 

Its actually the combined work of Max Richter's orchestral piece, "On The Nature of Daylight" and Dinah Washington's classic, "This Bitter Earth". Ultimately this song raises the existential questions of - Who Am I and what am I doing here? 

You see, I still question that a lot. Throughout it all... I. still. question. I can't decide whether it is because I am not making the progress I want or if I am just being human. I want to say I am impatient, craving the immediate satisfaction and attention. In actuality, I think I just want to know that I am making the right decisions. That in my journey, I am picking all the right moves. That the means to an end is the fulfilled purpose that I feel I am somehow destined for. Pretentious and selfish I know but shouldn't it sound that way if your attempt is to become an individual that leaves some kind of impression on this world. behind? As a collective should this NOT be something we all strive for?

In this moment, I have a dog laying on my lap. In this moment, this dog feels safe. I feel fulfilled. We both feel loved. Yet I am scared thinking of the future. Will he still feel this way tomorrow? Will an audience ever truly feel this way? Will my future life-partner ever actually feel this way? Escaping the moment and plotting for the future geniuinely terrifies me and this bitter Earth makes you question constantly.

You see society puts us in these boxes that once you feel as if you are there, it is quite difficult to get out. I have spent my entire life in those boxes. Do this here. Do this there. Now die. My aim has been to get out.

I want those around me in every interaction to feel inspired. loved. heard. seen. I want you to feel as if you are the best and and most unique 'you' possible yet as a universal collective, still feeling on the same page as everyone else. AS AN INDIVIDUAL, I want to be able to leave a part of myself behind with every person I interact with, something that can carry through generations. I put the pressure on myself within my family because I don't want them to stress in the end. I am critical of  my work because I want an audience to walk away ultimately 'FEELING' when I deliver. But I am impatient and time to me is unkind. It invokes these moments of doubt where I become completely lost within my mind, questioning the negative side of "what if" and "why". 

But I do truly believe an individual can at the very least, leave timeless moments behind. 

In the end, Universe,  I thank you. I appreciate this moment. This moment to listen. This moment to reflect. To acknowledge that I am still scared. I know I have in my mind what I want to do and the necessary steps to get me there but I admit I still battle with that lingering doubt. That fear of failure. Of being forgotten. 

In the end...Trust The Process...

The Journey Continues ....