Why......?
February 21st, 2017. It is 12:53 am. The room is quiet and the nurse steps in, "I'm sorry for your loss..."
No bright lights. No credits rolling. No voice of a higher power telling me everything is going to be alright. Just silence. As tears take control of the room, we scramble to devise a plan on who is going to tell who. Who will be the one to tell those close to us that our sister, your daughter, your cousin, your friend, and alas, your mother has passed away.
My sister is/was the mother of three beautiful boys. After she passed, I spent the next week attempting to gather some new form of structure for the three. However many of those nights were spent thinking of what else can I do, what else could I have done, and what should I do in the future. It is cliche. Death of a loved one causing someone to have an existential crisis. Personally, I use cliches to console those that I feel wouldn't want to hear some meta word vomit spewing from my mouth. At times it is merely a bandaid on a deep wound.
But what can I really do? The world is already a terrible place. People are constantly killing each other in the name of God, millions of children are starving, our planet is being torn to shit, and when I try to focus on my family - I pile on the problems even more. I wish my mother would never feel alone. I wish my oldest sister and her family didn't have a stress in the world. I wish my other sister would find someone that could match & respect all the love she has to give. I wish my father would learn how to be accountable. I wish my nephews would grow up to be outstanding boys and they never forget how much their mother loved them. I wish I wasn't a slave to my student loans. I wish I wouldn't let my own insecurities get in the way of romantic relationships. Despite trying to minimize the world around me, I still manage to feel myself shrink and sink beneath the waves, occasionally coming up for a water filled breath that barely keeps me alive for another day.
I want to leave a true legacy. I want my niece, my nephews, and my future children to know that I did everything to understand how the world works. How people work. I want to know how life ticks. I am not seasoned, as I am merely 28, but there is a part of me that still thinks you need to be a millionaire to figure all this shit out. Yet, then I question - why do millionaires kill themselves? I fear regression. I fear that I am not doing enough. I fear that if I would off myself tomorrow, all I would leave behind would be cosigned student loan debt, tears, and an angry family.
You see, I know I didn't have the best relationship with my sister and I still find myself looking at our last text conversation where I was fighting with her about a stupid gift. I'm the 'baby' of my family and the only boy, so as I get older, I feel this overwhelming pressure to be this overly dominating masculine figure that can be counted on yet nothing is ever enough. This is all the culmination of some deep rooted insecurity and the guilt of not really knowing what I am doing here. It is unfortunate that it took a moment like this to throw me into a point in my life where I feel that there is more to life, for my family, and for myself. I feel beyond selfish just writing this alone. But it brings me to this. This will be a journey into life where I hope to gain a better understanding of the world and how I can best fit into it...Leaving behind a legacy that I hope future generations can positively learn from. Exploring My Purpose.
No bright lights. No credits rolling. No voice of a higher power telling me everything is going to be alright. Just silence. As tears take control of the room, we scramble to devise a plan on who is going to tell who. Who will be the one to tell those close to us that our sister, your daughter, your cousin, your friend, and alas, your mother has passed away.
My sister is/was the mother of three beautiful boys. After she passed, I spent the next week attempting to gather some new form of structure for the three. However many of those nights were spent thinking of what else can I do, what else could I have done, and what should I do in the future. It is cliche. Death of a loved one causing someone to have an existential crisis. Personally, I use cliches to console those that I feel wouldn't want to hear some meta word vomit spewing from my mouth. At times it is merely a bandaid on a deep wound.
But what can I really do? The world is already a terrible place. People are constantly killing each other in the name of God, millions of children are starving, our planet is being torn to shit, and when I try to focus on my family - I pile on the problems even more. I wish my mother would never feel alone. I wish my oldest sister and her family didn't have a stress in the world. I wish my other sister would find someone that could match & respect all the love she has to give. I wish my father would learn how to be accountable. I wish my nephews would grow up to be outstanding boys and they never forget how much their mother loved them. I wish I wasn't a slave to my student loans. I wish I wouldn't let my own insecurities get in the way of romantic relationships. Despite trying to minimize the world around me, I still manage to feel myself shrink and sink beneath the waves, occasionally coming up for a water filled breath that barely keeps me alive for another day.
I want to leave a true legacy. I want my niece, my nephews, and my future children to know that I did everything to understand how the world works. How people work. I want to know how life ticks. I am not seasoned, as I am merely 28, but there is a part of me that still thinks you need to be a millionaire to figure all this shit out. Yet, then I question - why do millionaires kill themselves? I fear regression. I fear that I am not doing enough. I fear that if I would off myself tomorrow, all I would leave behind would be cosigned student loan debt, tears, and an angry family.
You see, I know I didn't have the best relationship with my sister and I still find myself looking at our last text conversation where I was fighting with her about a stupid gift. I'm the 'baby' of my family and the only boy, so as I get older, I feel this overwhelming pressure to be this overly dominating masculine figure that can be counted on yet nothing is ever enough. This is all the culmination of some deep rooted insecurity and the guilt of not really knowing what I am doing here. It is unfortunate that it took a moment like this to throw me into a point in my life where I feel that there is more to life, for my family, and for myself. I feel beyond selfish just writing this alone. But it brings me to this. This will be a journey into life where I hope to gain a better understanding of the world and how I can best fit into it...Leaving behind a legacy that I hope future generations can positively learn from. Exploring My Purpose.
