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The movie synopsis of this would be: After his father's death, a Hollywood Producer leaves the bright lights of LA for his rural hometown of Pennsylvania. All with the hope of mending relationships with ghosts from a former life. OR I'd just brutally tell you, I can't handle death of family members and went bananagrams. But in all honesty, I believe we have moments in life where we "evolve". Death, as dark as it may seem, is a change and a moment for change. The light at the end of that death tunnel is to evolve or change for the better. But of course you can change for the worse. The depth of that darkness can be consuming. But think about it. When someone close to you dies, every moment and aspect of your life that incorporates said person, changes. So then you do what? Evaluate. Why was I so fixated on this person and this moment so much. Where does this stem from? How do I adjust to this presence no longer here? How do I do this without forgetting them? To reiterate: I do believe professional therapy helps individuals navigating this. A sense of self awareness and suppression of ego is also a good foundation. I had been fixated for the last several years in LA on proving myself there. Every major change in my life has been a bet on myself. Transferring schools. College Sports. Switching Sports. Majors. Ending of Relationships. NY. Work Contracts. LA. I've clearly survived all changes, despite not coming from money, maybe I can say I have been able to thrive? I thrived however because I can admit it's been a drive instilled in me by my father. Bet on yourself. As i've said, he was my muse. As an adult, its been do good work and make it. What better motivation than the man who's ball bag I came from, NOT liking my choice of occupation? After his death though, my muse was gone. It was then that, similar to questioning the relationships around me after my sister's death, I questioned my journey of purpose. My adult life has been career focused. Once I realized I wasn't going pro as a 5'8 college kid, "be known" was next up and it was going to be on my terms, despite my father's wishes. Every step trying to prove something to him and now questions and thoughts like: What are you trying to prove homie? Has it been worth it to leave familial ties and familiar faces all for the sake of "being someone?" Could you have not done it there and still been present? You could have seen your father more? Think about the family time you could have had. Think about the family you could have had. As I spiraled, I tried to catch myself... but work and life started to become effected. I noticed a hint of positive change when I got the call for consideration as an executive for the popular magazine, Rolling Stone. A friend had thought I may be a good fit and bet your ass I jumped at the opportunity. Despite months of interviews, songs, dances, promising presentations, and hopes of leaving my old company for greener grass...I didn't get it. My heartbreak wouldn't last long because the process overall brought me back to my love of Hunter S. Thompson, a revigorated "fuck you" to societal norms, and some renewed confidence in betting on myself...especially when I circled back to this quote: "Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on....So it would seem foolish, would it not, to adjust our lives to the demands of a goal we see from a different angle every day? How could we ever hope to accomplish anything... The answer, then, must not deal with goals at all... We do not strive to be firemen, we do not strive to be bankers, nor policement, nor doctors. WE STRIVE TO BE OURSELVES. But don't misunderstand me. I don't mean that we can't BE firemen, bankers, or doctors... but that we must make the goal conform to the individual, rather than make the individual conform to the goal. Beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life" -- Hunter S. Thompson I started this "journey" because after my sister's death, I felt like I had just been working without any "purpose" other than to be known... So I took another chance betting on myself and truly left everyone behind in hopes of finding a purpose. The unfortunately fortunate point of this is that it took after my father's death to feel closer than ever to truly fulfilling my purpose....and I wish he would be here for it. My evolution this past year as my "reaction to experience" stems from something originally instilled by my father....to be present. To allow others to be heard. To allow others to feel loved. My father wasn't the best husband at times. Probably not even the best cop at times. But for me as child, he provided a foundation to feel heard and to feel loved. That alone gave me the confidence to bet on myself. I don't have a beach within a few miles right now. I can't go and snag a nighttime joint whenever I want from a legal dispensary. No Network hookups to take friends to. The remote money is definitely different when you work for a friend's start up over a big budget company and network. But.... I feel loved and am able to reciprocate love to family and familiar faces. I feel heard within work and am able develop positive content. Not to mention, coaching, which I reiterate, is something I feel brings me closer to my father every day. There is purpose here that I do feel I am closer to more than ever. With that feeling, a sense of confidence that this way of life just may be the path I have been looking for all along. The Journey Continues....
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