I have disappeared into the ether. Taken a step back into irrelevancy. My family is aware. No friends get close enough to find out, BUT....I don't do well with death. This journal/blog/word vomit alone spawned because of death in 2017. Except when my sister died, I felt this need to take a chance on myself and go on the adventure I always wanted..All in hopes of finding my purpose. Realistically in some hope that if I focus on entertainment, I could hit it big and come back as some savior of my family. Since my father's death however, I've just been broken. I lost the passion for my career. Creativity at a standstill. I've felt that the people I wanted to associate with provided nothing for me in return - physically, emotionally, or intellectually. My focus has just been on this feeling of guilt. Honestly just feeling guiltier than ever being away from my family, wanting to contribute to something bigger than myself in hopes of feeling purpose. When in reality, this could have been found if I stayed near my family.
Since venturing back east, I think I ask my sister and my mother 900 times a day if they need anything. Play random games my niece comes up with. Volley man-child jokes with my Brother-in-Law. Sometimes I just drive back and forth from homes just so I can attempt to be useful in any capacity no matter how small. Despite this transient life, I have never felt more useful. Believe me, these people can do this shit themselves but again selfishly, if I can make my family's life a little easier in some capacity, I feel like I am serving some kind of purpose.
Even if I want to escape my family, the universe had me run into friends my high school that asked me to help coach wrestling - a sport my own father once saw me have some success in. I never saw myself coaching, especially in my hometown. But even that has given something to me, as parents tell me stories about my father coaching them and their kids listen to my two cents. It hasn't come without a kick to the face that is for sure. Recently a "close friend" got into a drunken stupor and decided to tell me that the talk of the town is that I am a "loser who couldn't cut it in LA so he moved back to coach." That kinda hurts thinking about...Vino Veritas and all... but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it helped strip any semblance of an ego that may have been remaining after my year long spiral.
Now as I look into the next year - I feel like I have things on my plate that genuinely make me feel useful without some superficial coworker or shmuck that just wants to be famous. I am able to actually be present to my mother and sisters. I can be fun Uncle Bean to my niece when she wants to play. I am on the same coast as my nephews and to one, only a few hours away. And when it comes to coaching, I selfishly feel a little closer to my dad. Doing something I think he would be proud of and honestly, something he would ask me questions about daily.
This is all a new war to me but it is not something I do not feel prepared for. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had and learned from in life. They've helped shape the human I have become and want to be. Death just makes me realize I still have more work to do. I want to feel creative again but I don't know if I will ever fully transition back into entertainment. I just know that I feel purposeful here and closer to my family, literally and figuratively. This has made me happier than I have been in a while. That gives me hope. That makes me smile....The Journey Continues...