You ever feel stuck? Like your decisions - job, move, love, life have just finally reached a screeching halt and instead of walking in some sort of oasis, you've instead created this wall in front of you - and on the other side you know is a sense of happiness that you've yearned for but you just can't quite seem to break through? I typically have a way with words, a way with presenting myself, in a way which is fun. Lively. Quite witty. I'd sarcastically pat myself on the back here but instead I just feel ho-hum and slump my shoulders. Plain and simple... I don't feel fun.
In a pop culture way - two Ted Lasso quotes would describe it - "Work in Progmess" and "I feel impotent in my soul". To admit the cliche bullshit - since my dad died I haven't felt the same. I am a head case swirling in my apartment with my dog being the only thing close to making me happy. Mainly because I built my entire career around proving to my father that I can do this "job" and then no matter what accomplishment, I'd use it as a stepping stone to prove myself even more. Now that he is dead, who the hell am I proving this shit to? Each day is like a new veil being lifted on my career and the people around me and I am left wondering, has it been worth it?
Have my decisions been worth leaving my family thousands of miles behind? Have my decisions been worth walking away from relationships that I don't feel better my career "grind" and life. Have my decisions been worth cycling through complete strangers in hopes of finding someone I could consider a "friend"? While I would typically try to think of ways to justify and fit the square peg in a round hole, now.... I just don't have it in me to do so. I want to think this is growth and in some way a form of leveling up but in the same breath I fear I am just going crazy.
As I sit here in the airport I wipe away tears. I already miss being close to my family. I want to be a part of milestones and core memories. I miss waking up and being close to my sisters and mom. I am terrified of flying thousands of miles away just for my mother to die in her sleep like my father.
The Hollywood sign doesn't shine for me like it did when I first got here. Even my work relationships have me feeling like they have grown to be filled with industry-snake robots whose desire to make money lacks any form of empathy, compassion, or a sense of reality. ACTUAL reality. Instead they just talk shit, are depressingly negative, and would do deals behind ones back just to get ahead or make a buck and cut you out. I used to think I was working with "friends" and now I truly don't know these people. I can even remember my father warning me not to trust individuals but instead I would just become toxically positive and try to think maybe I am different to them.
This past week has been the worst / best. Despite working remotely around my family, I grew increasingly frustrated with work. I even found myself scrolling through exes social medias to see them enjoying families and lifestyles they always wanted. These are things I know they wanted with me but I instead walked away from. Even then I still crack somewhat of a smile because I am happy they have it. I still root for them because I knew they would be a phenomenal mother and/or adventurer because they had that in their mind from the beginning. I still found myself getting sad because selfishly I think...what do I want? What do I need? I know it was the best decision for them for me to walk away but again selfishly...what about me?
I used to crave the limelight and think that is what I needed. To be known. To be "the man". However now I feel like I just want to be surrounded by love. By people that make my heart full. Presenting opportunities where something as little as helping someone pick something on Netflix and watching them laugh at a joke makes me smile and feel fulfilled for the day.
Don't get me wrong, in the grand scheme of it all, my life isn't in complete shambles. I have an opportunity to leave a mark on Hollywood with an event I think people need as far as "relationships" both platonic and romantic, but I know it is not for me. It's for other people. I face the decision now to build and watch it grow from afar as I leave Hollywood as a home and venture back close to family....Even if it is to just help walk a dog, clean my mothers home, or take a kid to school. I'm just now at a moment in time where I am second guessing any decision I make in this pursuit to be happy. AM I making the right decision to head back east to rekindle relationships with my family and contribute as a whole? Am I making the right decision to leave a mecca of the industry just to work remotely from small towns? I want to confidently say yes.... this is what I need. This is what I want. I should have done it earlier to be with my father. But I just can't bring myself to feel the confidence in my decision and that scares me. Am I crazy? Is this normal? Or is it true that my soul is just in need of familiar faces and places to make me feel whole again?
.....the journey continues.